Alejandra Paxcle

You know that weird kid that's in everyone's group? The one that is just plain weird all around. They even stand weird!!-- Well I am that weird kid. I even started to introduce myself as weird, kinda like a disclaimer. Being weird caused me to realize that I do not know how to comfort my friends. I just stand there like a fucken weirdo and put my hands awkwardly on there back. I even call myself a weirdo in my head, "Hey WEIRDO say something!" I desperately want to crack a joke, so they can crack a smile. But that ounce of normal I have in me knows it is not the right time. I just blurt out the common comfort phrases... I even say the weird!! I grew up with a pat on my back and telling me, "to get over it kid." That phrase prevented me from relaying comfort confidently. It made me a weirdo...

It has been exactly one-hundred days since I have started this journey. This journey of life, love, peace and happiness. One-hundred days of self love. One-hundred days of growing my baby hairs back, one hundred days of moderation, one hundred days of acceptance. One-hundred days of discovering what I really want. There were also what seemed like one-hundred days of doubt, regret and roadblocks. Those days that tried to restrain me from what I am trying to achieve. I try stopping it most of the time, but on the other hand, without the bad there would be no good. A superhero and a villain share the same ambition and determination, but the direction is what determines classification. While a superhero seeks to build, the villain seeks to destroy. That internal struggle exists, but I have learned compromise and accept in order to overcome. 

I always wanted a television family. The way some shows embellished these beautiful families would make me so jealous. It was all I ever wanted in life...a normal family. One time after watching an episode about a family tradition, I attempted to get my family involved. I started out small. Like, spaghetti Monday’s, etc... I wanted us to be just like those tv families. I asked my family members individually, because we were never gathered all in one room. They all looked at me weird and said, “No.” It was as if I was asking for too much. It was too much to ask for one day out of the week to sit and be happy together... one day out of the week to look forward to. Just one day, that’s all I asked. I realized that I was fantasizing and it would likely never happen. I’d never get my own close knit family who experienced more excitement than dismay at the thought of being together. Their responses made me feel like I didn’t belong, like an outcast. I dreamed of becoming part of a family ...

¡Yo te necesito  a cada momento solo pienso en ti lo digo y lo grito tan solo eres tu lo que me hace feliz! That loud noise playing all over the small apartment. “Oh crap it is Sunday.” I would tell myself. Sunday's were waking up early to help and clean around in the Paxcle apartment hold.  Laying in my bed and all I could hear is my mother's favorite music playing. I rolled over and all I could think of is how can someone like this non-sense. Fast forward, I cannot tell you how listening to my mother’s favorite music started or how it was triggered. Just one day I heard it and all I could think of was my mothers face and how it brought so much joy to her. It made my insides feel weird but I was happy. It's funny how the nopal doesn't fall from the cactus.